19 April. Yesterday. It was my birthday...
Well, it was supposed to be a happy day, right? Nah totally the opposite and it's partly my fault as i chose to live this day negatively. Last year, I was down with a flu and was trying so hard to seem like I was enjoying my day. I already knew that my boyfriend was planning a surprise for me. But instead of being happy, I was just 'hmmm okay?'. This year was worse. LOL.
One of my best friend from primary school came to my house early in the morning before I had to leave house. She texted me saying she is at my doorstep and when i opened the door, I just asked her, "Why you come up my house? Just wait downstairs ah!" and she was singing birthday song to me. And that begins my time of pushing people away because I don't know how to act all excited and happy about my birthday and all the presents and cakes.
Since when did it start to be like this? Hmmm, let me think back... I used to love birthday celebrations. But now, I prefer quiet celebrations with a few of my loved ones. I'm getting claustrophobic... Yesterday, with my entire religion institution, SPSD, they sang birthday song for me. How awkward, how high profile, how much I really wanna just bury my face into the floor... After the event, with 8 other people from my clique including my boyfriend, we went to eat at Pizza Hut. 2 of my friends went to Uniqlo to get my present and a helium balloon. When they came back to find us at Pizza Hut, all I could think of was "ohhh you are back! But since when did you came in? O.o". Everyone was asking why my reaction is like I'm not amused at all. Honestly, because I'm not amused! Helium balloons are overrated and I already told them what i wanted from Uniqlo. But, guys if you are reading this, I really appreciate all that. I just prefer a more low profile celebration.
To my loving boyfriend who is so afraid of making me angry or upset, I'm really fine that you are not done with preparing the presents. Really. I just want your company. Just like what you told me, anything and everything you give me, I will still love it. Even if it's just a simple dinner. :)
I cried so much at the last hour of my birthday. Thanks to my dad. I told him to stop attacking my helium balloon but he insisted that it would not burst. Ya wow.. -.- something small but it hit my limits.. I seriously hate interacting with people now. Why must I interact with them and put up a face that will please them? My boyfriend was telling me about how I can actually affect others easily if I'm constantly down and moody. I know. But I just don't want to please them, especially not on my birthday. I only want to eat with 3 of them out of those 8 people... Everyone was just so noisy. I couldn't hear my voice anymore.
I'll try harder to change my mentality. But right now, I'm just a depressing soul.
Tracey Wong (:
P.S. Happy 18th Birthday to myself! :)
