Something like that

Finding a direction is so tough...

In my recent trip to Japan, I went to Hall of Great Vow and Soka University of Japan and the trip was so amazing. I made a vow when I was there.

1. I vow to be a genuine friend to whoever I meet and forge golden bridges of trust.
2. I vow to always take the most difficult path based on faith and to do my best for Kosen-Rufu together with Sensei.
3. I must attend SUJ as a student so as to fully understand and translate the magnitude of Sensei's philosophy for peace into my daily life.

I have also been thinking about my 2019 New Year Resolutions.

1. To strengthen and deepen my faith by connecting to Sensei's heart through NHR.
2. To have healthy communication with my loved ones, especially my family.
3. To have the courage to hear my voice and to not be afraid to take my time when I need to.

About him... 

Thank you for giving me the space that I needed a lot. I really like you as a person. And the few days after we talked last Saturday, I feel like you’re back to your normal self again which is what I like about talking to you. Like I can be very comfortable.

What really confused me is this mildly toxic behaviour. Last Saturday I didn’t know how to explain to you so the past few days I have been thinking about it.

• “Tell you next time” but yet keep continue to harp on it
• “Trust me” / “I don’t need much assurance” I always feel when people keep repeating certain speech language/topics, they are actually like that themselves. E.g. Annabel and being judgy, Jamie saying that I’m a trashy person. How I’m always so bhb, it’s because of my somewhat lack of self-confidence so I need to prep talk myself to boost my confidence. I constantly feel like I have to reassure you for some reason.
• Guilt tripping me “I’m telling you all these now you better don’t tomorrow leave me” 
• Enforcing your views on me although you say “this is just how I feel and you may not agree” and then go on to convince me why you are right, and I’m not entirely right.
• Is it you keep checking my chat to see my last seen? It’s a bit weird and stalker-ish to do that... that’s what my ex do also. Like if I wanna reply I will ah. But sometimes I could be busy to do so but just wanna clear notifications. 

With that being said, a friend reminded me that people are ever changing and should always grow. Then she asked me “you want him to change but are you willing to change too?” I don’t know but I know I should as long as I’m becoming a better person. So please share with me as well if I’m being an ass. I mean, if we’re in this for the long run, then I think we need to constantly help each other improve ourselves? And another friend told me that sometimes I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, like I keep behaving like a Soka leader. I don't know but ya maybe this is something I can work on as well?

And I don’t want to come to a conclusion about the both of us without actually getting to know each other properly yet. I think you’re very confused about what to do as well because you don’t know me like how I’m like etc. and I don’t have enough trust with you to wanna go forward with you because I don’t know you well as well.

And like remember how you said like we don’t have to be complicated? But I think cause we don’t know each other, it has become complicated. So conclusion is, we can continue seeing each other but let’s get to know each other first without being pressured about the time left before I fly off. I think this situation is very unique but if we can get through it, our relationship will be a lot stronger than just rushing into it.

All in all, the personal space was something that I really needed and I felt very peaceful.

Tracey Wong (:

P.S I know the past few days mustn't have been easy for you as well.

P.S.S It was abit sad when my sis told me that she feel that HY is weird. Haiz... Is it something I should take note of and fuck off