Circuit Breaker thoughts

Hi there,

Finally bathed after I don't know how many days... lol... no hate please I wasn't kidding when I said that there are days that I just don't have the energy to even bathe. If I bathed, then I wouldn't have the energy for other things. 

Btw, how come you never like wanna share things with me? Like the Sandra thing, I will wanna share with you, etc. It could be like maybe a game you played with the guys then like something funny happen or whatever. But nothing.. kinda feels like you don't need me.. But I guess you will say you don't know what to talk about. Which is sad isn't it? Cause with Alex Kenneth they all I'm sure you would have things to talk about. How come with me you don't have any?

So then when I feel like shit and don't feel like talking/don't know what to talk about since nothing much is happening at home, it just becomes silent and we just watch shows. Which you can do alone or with other people. And like the things we watch/play always feels like it's boring that's why you will go sleep relatively earlier. It always ends with "I wanna go sleep already". It's like you don't need me.. I don't know what I'm contributing to the relationship.. and quite honestly feels like this position could be replaced with any other girl. And I'm pretty sure there are better, more entertaining girls out there.

The topic that makes us talk the most is sex. Am I just sex to you? I know you're gonna say no. But it feels like that... and it feels like shit.

Maybe it's just this period? This whole covid19 and alot of unresolved feelings from all the shit I went thru last year so I'm super insecure and overthinking all the time now. And I feel very bad that you have to go thru all these shit. I mean like come on, you only know me for 2months and you got to deal with this emotional baggage.

I just wanna talk to you verbally but at the same time I dont want my family to hear. So I can only text you but texting is just so different... it honestly feels so long since I connect to someone even if it's just talking cock. Constantly feel like I need to be okay especially during this covid19 and CB when I'm always with people 24/7. But I'm not okay and I don't know how to be okay. I don't know how to pretend to be okay anymore...

At times like this, I really prefer to be in Australia, in my room by myself. And I can be whatever I want cause no one is watching me.

The other day you ask me why I didn't write about you in my blog. I think it's because when I think about happy things, it makes me feel worst. Like I used to be better, I know I can be better. But I'm stuck feeling like shit now. And that disparity is amplified whenever I think about happy things.

Tracey :/