I feel terrible today...

I sometimes (pretty often these days) feel like it's easier to be alone/single.

This is another episode of "the grass is greener on the other side".

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These days I just either think of nothing or I overthink.

When it's nothing, I just feel numb and floating and I just don't feel like doing anything and it takes a lot to even wanna take a bath. Well, I haven't bathe yet and kinda just wanna go to bed after writing this. I just simply don't have the energy to do basic things. And I would scroll through social media mindlessly to distract myself. And my sense of humour has been an all-time low that my family started saying that I'm weird for laughing at things that weren't even that funny. But the moment the distractions end, the sea of sadness fills my void. And I wanna do nothing other than cry.

Well, then you would say "just cry it out if it makes you feel better" but this is endless. And it feels like I have been crying since August 2019, or maybe even November 2018. I can't quite remember because, on days that I feel numb, I simply don't feel any other emotions.

When I overthink, it seems like everyone is moving along with life just fine. Like it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. Like I am bothering them if I say hi. Like everyone else is more fun and entertaining than me. Like I didn't matter.

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I wanna seek help. I really do. Although there are days when I doubt if I actually like being the pity victim that's why I'm delaying the whole recovery process. I remember at the start of the year, I was very motivated and felt supported on this journey of recovery. But the moment I reached Australia, it felt like I was alone in the deep seas again. Even if there was something for me to hold onto, I was scared to do so. If I seek help in Singapore, that would mean that there is a higher chance of my family finding out. I am scared that my family will find out that I had sought help in Australia. I am scared that they will worry about me. I am scared that I become a burden. I am scared that I bring a lot of trouble to the people around me. 

I mean, just look at what happened today. I made G unhappy and he ended up sleeping late. And I don't know, having to deal with someone with an emotional baggage... Seems like his life would be less annoying/dramatic/frustrating if I'm not in his life, right? I'm not even adding any value in his life. I guess I am more insecure than I thought I was... And all these while, I keep blaming that Jiahao was the insecure potato. Look who is crying now... 

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I don't know where this post is going and obviously everything is very incoherent. But it's 2020 and everything is already not going how it should. I guess it's fine to write trashily? I just need to put these thoughts somewhere for now.

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Thank you G for being the mature and understanding one. I hope one day I can be that person for you.

Tracey :')

Sad potato is me...