It's my birthday!

19 April. Yesterday. It was my birthday...

Well, it was supposed to be a happy day, right? Nah totally the opposite and it's partly my fault as i chose to live this day negatively. Last year, I was down with a flu and was trying so hard to seem like I was enjoying my day. I already knew that my boyfriend was planning a surprise for me. But instead of being happy, I was just 'hmmm okay?'. This year was worse. LOL.

One of my best friend from primary school came to my house early in the morning before I had to leave house. She texted me saying she is at my doorstep and when i opened the door, I just asked her, "Why you come up my house? Just wait downstairs ah!" and she was singing birthday song to me. And that begins my time of pushing people away because I don't know how to act all excited and happy about my birthday and all the presents and cakes.

Since when did it start to be like this? Hmmm, let me think back... I used to love birthday celebrations. But now, I prefer quiet celebrations with a few of my loved ones. I'm getting claustrophobic... Yesterday, with my entire religion institution, SPSD, they sang birthday song for me. How awkward, how high profile, how much I really wanna just bury my face into the floor... After the event, with 8 other people from my clique including my boyfriend, we went to eat at Pizza Hut. 2 of my friends went to Uniqlo to get my present and a helium balloon. When they came back to find us at Pizza Hut, all I could think of was "ohhh you are back! But since when did you came in? O.o". Everyone was asking why my reaction is like I'm not amused at all. Honestly, because I'm not amused! Helium balloons are overrated and I already told them what i wanted from Uniqlo. But, guys if you are reading this, I really appreciate all that. I just prefer a more low profile celebration.

To my loving boyfriend who is so afraid of making me angry or upset, I'm really fine that you are not done with preparing the presents. Really. I just want your company. Just like what you told me, anything and everything you give me, I will still love it. Even if it's just a simple dinner. :)

I cried so much at the last hour of my birthday. Thanks to my dad. I told him to stop attacking my helium balloon but he insisted that it would not burst. Ya wow.. -.- something small but it hit my limits.. I seriously hate interacting with people now. Why must I interact with them and put up a face that will please them? My boyfriend was telling me about how I can actually affect others easily if I'm constantly down and moody. I know. But I just don't want to please them, especially not on my birthday. I only want to eat with 3 of them out of those 8 people... Everyone was just so noisy. I couldn't hear my voice anymore.

I'll try harder to change my mentality. But right now, I'm just a depressing soul.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S. Happy 18th Birthday to myself! :)

Daunting...

Even though this happened about end of November of last year, these memories still haunts me.. You texted me again on my birthday. Since you were just asking about my school work as a casual conversation, I decided to reply. You showed so much concern... But it didn't matter anymore. You and I, we're impossible. You knew I already have a boyfriend, but yet you still wanted to ask me again. Why? Can't face reality that I'm gone forever and never gonna return? I hope that gave you a tight slap.

I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I just don't think I should invest my energy in scumbags like you. What's the point? But you made it into a nightmare. Those images flash in fragments. Horror. Shame. Pain. It's like tearing my heart apart and then putting it back together and tearing it further before it heals. Forgiving is too much to ask for.

Cry.
For I'll never return.
A gullible child.

This song should be what you're feeling now. My boyfriend is definitely way better than you. At least those painful times with you will not happen again. At least he loves me more than you did. At least he is always there for me even though I was with you.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S: Don't worry. I'm way happier with him now. So suck on that!

Regrets from daunting memories...

Ever since it ended... Ever since the magic stopped... Ever since empty promises were made... I can't get over it. I've been telling myself that holding on to them is of no use. But you're just too close to impossible to let go. All the memories... I miss you so much. I thought we were suppose to be friends again. You promised...

Scenes from Day 1 kept flashing through my mind. It hurts. It's like you've cast a shadow over me. Daunting memories... I don't wish to remember them anymore. I wanna leave the past with the past. But fragments kept coming back. I wanna move on. But how when there's Hurt tagging beside me?

We weren't meant to be from the very moment we spoke. You were a lesson, not a blessing. If only I figured that out earlier... But time doesn't wait for people filled with regrets. "Move on." is the only advice one could give. But it is a million times easier said than done. Have you moved on? I hope you have because I just want you to be happy. That's all that matter :)

Stay strong!
Tracey Wong (:

Loving life as it is

I feel so proud of my brother! :D although over the years we have drifted apart and even stop talking to each other at home, spiritually, we are still damn close! So love that awesome feeling that he cares for me even though he appears not to! :D so sweet huh?? Weird thing about my family - we all don't exactly know how to express our love for each other. My dad care for us by ensuring our education is able to bring us to somewhere but it's too much sometimes. My brother would just appear nonchalant but he would still do something if you ask him to! Me, I would just care for them secretly. Only my friends know this. Doubt my family will see though. But that's what family is about! Doing things for them even without their knowing :D it might just unknowingly make their day! :D

sighs...

So I've been wondering why I'm studying for as the exams are round the corner and I cant find a good reason. All I knew was that I'm doing it because my dad ask me to. But when I do well for examinations, i get no shit! Getting all As and Bs for him which was like a miracle for me but he just went back on his word. He promise to give me a new phone but now I get no shit. Not even a praise or encouragement! It wont hurt to say "keep up the good work" right?

Really curious sometimes about how he feels about me. It's like he only has my sister in his eyes! Left at the side lines everytime. It gets so lonely sometimes. And I guess no one will ever understand how I feel because they would just tell me they go through the same thing and that it's life. I understand that but all I want is just my dad to shower some concern for me. And not for the sake of my future! Also, I keep sensing that my friend hates me. Like I'm some sort of attention seeker. Everyone wants to seek attention one way or the other. I just want my parents' attention. Why is it just so damn hard?!

Jagabee has been like showing concern to me. Told him that he shouldn't cause I don't wanna fall deeper in love. Feel like kidnapping him sometimes and threaten him to tell me how he feel about me and stop leading me on. LOL. Sound so violent o.o

Hope all these exams nonsense can pass on faster! Cant wait for the end of year to come knocking on my door! Will definitely welcome it with both my arms wide open!!! :P hope you guys are enjoying life as it is! :D

TraceyWong!

Just a fairytale

If such guys really exist, I'd sacrifice everything and cherish him. Hmmm, but seems quite impossible.

Jagabee has been acting weirdly. Sometimes it feels as though something might happen between us, other times, I guess I'm just thinking too much. Haiz. I really do regret upon thinking back. I shoudn't have confessed. One wrong move. Can't imagine the future will be like what. However, I'm pretty sure that I can't wait till the next time we might meet. Thank you for being part of my life :D

TraceyWong :D

我們的那些年

On 6April, I had my sweet 16! Even though there's still a long way to my actual birthday :P Invited damn alot of friends. It was so chaotic at first. But eventually, it turned out great! :D Gun hugged me due to a forfeit. So embarrassing! Heh! :/ We stayed overnight at the chalet. So awesome!!! Watched 那些年. Such an awesome movie!!! :D LOVE my friends so much <3 ton whole night sia! went to Pasir Ris park to see sunrise after that :D

1st sunrise that i witness with my awesome friends :D

FLINT friends & Chingay friends :)

Awesome school friends!!!

Well, we tried doing the 那些年 dvd cover. But it seems abit fail :/

This memories will remain as our 那些年, engraved deeply in my heart <3

Love,

TraceyWong

P.S. I thought too much again. But I just can't stop myself from liking you :/