Can you play with me instead? #FOMOisreal

I fucking hate thinking of post titles... oh my lord...

Anyways, I have decided that I gonna write every other day. It's kinda the only safe space for me right now to help me process my thoughts and feelings.

Maybe just an update about my mental state during this COVID-19. In short, it has been trash and I am kinda getting worst. But then again, me being able to write this post is kind of a turning point. Let's hope it is a legit turning point. At least I'm not crying while writing this. So congrats me!

But the biggest thing that is annoying the hell out of me now is G playing maple and mobile legends with other people instead of playing stardew or watching shows with me. And I think the most annoying part is that I keep having this internal battle within myself - it's fine, he should have his own space vs. wanting to be wilful and everything got to be with me.

Gaming itself, I'm legit fine with it. What I'm not okay with is that I constantly feel like I'm forcing him to do those other things with me and that he doesn't actually enjoy them. Even things like sharing youtube videos with him, the response he has doesn't have the same excitement that I have. And it's worst when I hear that other people are playing with him and KEEP MENTIONING HIS NAME, saying that he helped them level up a lot. You got so much time to help other people right? You're having so much fun with other people and without me right?

You say you don't really play stardew because I played with Belvy and Janice and advanced too far ahead in the game and you feel left out. And so you play the other games more often instead. But has it occurred to you that this whole "playing with other people" thing, regardless of the game, is making me feel left out too?????????? The FOMO is real and it's fucking annoying to see my boyfriend enjoying his time more with other people.

And I struggle so much between fuck it be wilful and demand what I want and being an understanding person. With my mental state, honestly, being paggro is the best I can do and I know how childish this whole shit is. I KNOW. That voice in my head is constantly telling me.

*pause a while cause this is making me very angry and frustrated again*

So anyways, it could be because now I have a lot of extra time compared to previously busy with Soka activities and meeting friends. With all this extra time, I just want to spend them with you but it seems to me that I am secondary. It's kinda what happened in the first year with Jiahao. He was always in archery and I was always waiting. In the end, I found my own way of passing time instead of waiting and I pretty much didn't actually need him in my life anymore. I remember having this conversation with you before and you said it hurts for the guy to know that he is not needed in the girl's life anymore. I hope we don't reach there and I'm thankful that you didn't just fuck it and throw the towel because if it was me, I think I would have given up.

So I decided to just give maple a go even though I know I'm not gonna like it because I don't understand where the fun of it is... 20 May is the first day I'm playing maple for real... At least now when you wanna maple, you will invite me to join too.

Also, I started chanting again after not doing it for almost 2 weeks. Every time my mum nags about it, it makes me not wanna chant even more which is another childish thing that I'm dealing with. I'm not sure if I have hit rock bottom but I hope everything will get better.

Tracey :)