It's 5am and I can't sleep... And also because I have been procrastinating writing for a long time... But here's my late thoughts for whoever out there.
Ever since this virus started, I haven't been in the best state mentally. I get irritated easily and I can't see the bright side no matter how hard I try. All I see is the negative things around me. It constantly feels like the whole world against me. With this extra time now, it's even harder to push these negative things away. I don't know how to manage them. I think maybe they have been within me all these while. The virus just forced me to look at them. But I can't seem to want to do anything about them. My mum kept asking me to chant but I don't wanna do it when she's watching. But when everyone's asleep, like now, I don't want to either.
There are times I want to talk about it but I don't know how to talk about it or where to start. It feels like if I start, it's gonna be a "complain and do nothing about it" session. But there are also days and weeks when I just don't feel like talking to anyone and that it's easier if I just slip into my shell... One thing's for sure is, either way, I don't feel happy and I haven't been in the longest time. The past year has been bad. Worst than usual. I don't remember smiling or laughing because I truly am happy. I was always anxious and nervous around people, thinking when will I fuck up. And in the midst of trying to be careful, I still somehow fucked up. Now, I don't know how to go back to normal or adapt to the new norm. I'm just simply floating around.
G said my usual self is cheerful and bubbly but in my memories that was a facade I put on when I came back to Singapore. Because I couldn't bring myself to reveal all that vulnerability after friends whom I thought were lifelong friends just left me in a blink of an eye. I don't know who is going to help me if I show up knocking on their doors with wounds that no one would expect on me. I mean, if I met you all shattered in pieces, would you have liked me back? Why would anyone want to be tied down to an emotional baggage that is filled to the brim and ready to explode anytime?
I know people are gonna say "we will be here for you" and that I am twisted to doubt my friendships but what if that's a facade as well to be the socially nice person? What if they are broken inside as well and are forced to put on a facade? I don't want to add on to other people's plates. In this pandemic, we all have enough to handle.
Anyways, enough of the rambling... I still believe that everything happened because this is the most difficult path that I must take for Kosen-Rufu. This is the vow that I made at the Hall of Great Vow back in 2018. I will try do my best. I just wish the world can stop spinning for a while so that I can take a break and hide in my shell for a while.
7 more days to submission week and then time to worry about going back to Australia if tri 2 is going to on-campus.
Tracey :)
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