Something like that

Finding a direction is so tough...

In my recent trip to Japan, I went to Hall of Great Vow and Soka University of Japan and the trip was so amazing. I made a vow when I was there.

1. I vow to be a genuine friend to whoever I meet and forge golden bridges of trust.
2. I vow to always take the most difficult path based on faith and to do my best for Kosen-Rufu together with Sensei.
3. I must attend SUJ as a student so as to fully understand and translate the magnitude of Sensei's philosophy for peace into my daily life.

I have also been thinking about my 2019 New Year Resolutions.

1. To strengthen and deepen my faith by connecting to Sensei's heart through NHR.
2. To have healthy communication with my loved ones, especially my family.
3. To have the courage to hear my voice and to not be afraid to take my time when I need to.

About him... 

Thank you for giving me the space that I needed a lot. I really like you as a person. And the few days after we talked last Saturday, I feel like you’re back to your normal self again which is what I like about talking to you. Like I can be very comfortable.

What really confused me is this mildly toxic behaviour. Last Saturday I didn’t know how to explain to you so the past few days I have been thinking about it.

• “Tell you next time” but yet keep continue to harp on it
• “Trust me” / “I don’t need much assurance” I always feel when people keep repeating certain speech language/topics, they are actually like that themselves. E.g. Annabel and being judgy, Jamie saying that I’m a trashy person. How I’m always so bhb, it’s because of my somewhat lack of self-confidence so I need to prep talk myself to boost my confidence. I constantly feel like I have to reassure you for some reason.
• Guilt tripping me “I’m telling you all these now you better don’t tomorrow leave me” 
• Enforcing your views on me although you say “this is just how I feel and you may not agree” and then go on to convince me why you are right, and I’m not entirely right.
• Is it you keep checking my chat to see my last seen? It’s a bit weird and stalker-ish to do that... that’s what my ex do also. Like if I wanna reply I will ah. But sometimes I could be busy to do so but just wanna clear notifications. 

With that being said, a friend reminded me that people are ever changing and should always grow. Then she asked me “you want him to change but are you willing to change too?” I don’t know but I know I should as long as I’m becoming a better person. So please share with me as well if I’m being an ass. I mean, if we’re in this for the long run, then I think we need to constantly help each other improve ourselves? And another friend told me that sometimes I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, like I keep behaving like a Soka leader. I don't know but ya maybe this is something I can work on as well?

And I don’t want to come to a conclusion about the both of us without actually getting to know each other properly yet. I think you’re very confused about what to do as well because you don’t know me like how I’m like etc. and I don’t have enough trust with you to wanna go forward with you because I don’t know you well as well.

And like remember how you said like we don’t have to be complicated? But I think cause we don’t know each other, it has become complicated. So conclusion is, we can continue seeing each other but let’s get to know each other first without being pressured about the time left before I fly off. I think this situation is very unique but if we can get through it, our relationship will be a lot stronger than just rushing into it.

All in all, the personal space was something that I really needed and I felt very peaceful.

Tracey Wong (:

P.S I know the past few days mustn't have been easy for you as well.

P.S.S It was abit sad when my sis told me that she feel that HY is weird. Haiz... Is it something I should take note of and fuck off 

I'm still finding myself but I'm back!

Hi?

How do people even start blogpost nowadays? Hmm...

It's been 4 years since I blogged or even written my thoughts on any platform and I have seen how detrimental it has been to not transfer my emotions onto a platform. Looking back, it's also the beginning of the internal struggle I am facing now...

Quick overall updates:
1. Poly is one of the best times of my life and will do anything to go through it again.
2. I worked full time in an Architecture firm from May 2016 to July 2018 and I am very very grateful to my boss and colleagues for guiding me throughout this period and I have really learnt tons that school could never provide.
3. I decided to pursue Architecture at Australia Deakin University in February 2019. Although I am not 100% sure, working made me more sure than before I took my gap year. And I'm gonna strive to become 100% sure! However, the idea of going overseas is really daunting to me... There are so many uncertainties and things that I can't predict that will happen...
4. I broke up with Jiahao on 2 September 2018. Everything has been a blur since...

Today, I wanna focus more on update #4 and what has happened ever since.

Issue in the relationship:
From the onset, he always felt that I am out of his league and that he feels insecure whenever I start talking to other guys even though I made my stand clear that I am only friends with them and as long as I am faithful to him, that's all that matters.

In the first year, his entire focus was on archery and he hardly makes time for me over the weekends for dinner despite our already-very-challenging schedules. We could easily meet only once a month which is very abnormal for a couple that just started out. And on days that we meet, the conversations were always about me but whenever I inquire about his day or even to find out more about his past before we met, he would always tell me "it was good", "I can't remember", "oh, it's nothing much". When I share with him about my project design concept to sort of get some feedback, he would simply say "I think it's good". I felt like I was constantly receiving a negative response and I grew to not rely on him and enjoy talking to my friends more than him.

The lack of response that he gave me slowly made me feel like as though he would not be able to understand what I'm going through and therefore, no reason to share with him since the answer from him would be the same as asking a stranger. Because of that, I started to just keep to myself and eventually, I was afraid to face the truth.

Subsequently, I started to see many flaws in him.
His lack of ambition:
Or maybe we just have a different concept of a successful life. To him, it meant having a secure job, getting a house, getting married, have kids, work till retirement. To me, it meant creating value even if it means I will be taking a longer route from the typical ideal life but as long as the process is an adventure instead of just getting through with. He wanted to study sports science but because the industry is deemed to not have good prospects, he decided not to pursue his dreams and I feel that such a life is so pitiful.

His half-fuck semi selfish attitude:
Back in 2017, one of our friends, Yong's mental illness worsen all of a sudden and he reached out to me as we used to be close before me and Jiahao got together. I knew I would not be handling the situation properly and I also felt that Yong really needed friends to reach out to him. So I asked the entire clique to reach out to Yong. However, everyone was busy and didn't give much fuck. The clique knew that he has emo times every now and then but no one bothered to care for him. I didn't bother to check in on him. I felt that I was being such a shitty friend for not realising that my friend really needed help. I started to invest a lot of time into helping Yong. He would call me whenever he is getting an attack. However, there were times that I couldn't due to Soka meetings. I told Jiahao to help me reach out to Yong however, he refused. Not even a text. Instead of helping a friend in need, he chose to be jealous. He would ask me to stop talking to Yong on the phone and say things like "he can settle on his own", "you are just wasting your time". What. The. Bloody. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?! Just because I am talking to another guy more than you? A guy who needs help. A guy who is your friend. Can you still say that if something actually happened to him? Thankfully, Yong managed to open up to me more and eventually sought professional help and his condition is under control now. If not, I don't think I can forgive your behaviour. Ever.

His lack of understanding:
As time goes by, I took on more leadership roles. In 2015, I was a district leader, CIC and in Archery committee. In 2016, I became trailblazer and had so much more responsibilities. Although he is a Soka member and was a CIC back in poly, he couldn't understand why I had so much commitments and this made me continue to feel that he will never understand the magnitude of my challenges and therefore, I stopped sharing with him since he will not provide any emotional support to me as well. Talking to him became a burden.

The Ultimatum:
All these while, people have been telling me to break up and start afresh but I couldn't find the courage to do it. I constantly told myself that the relationship is not working out because I didn't try hard enough, I didn't do enough to salvage the relationship. I can't call it quits without actually having put in any effort. So, I kept trying and trying and trying.

One night, after Youth for Peace Symposium panelists review, Liyan and I went home together and she asked me how was I doing and how's my relationship. I ended up crying. But she told me one thing. "Chant for direction. What is the purpose of this relationship? Why did things turned out this way? What is the next step for this relationship?" I realised that I didn't challenge this issue based on faith. The more I chanted, the clearer it became. The voice in my head grew louder, telling me that it's time to end the relationship.

Being a good friend:
To me, this term means wanting my friend to be genuinely happy. I realised that his unhappiness stems from his low self esteem and insecurities. Just like the scene of Astrid and Michael from Crazy Rich Asians, I realised that no matter how much I give him, it will never fill his cup and he has to fill it up by himself. In order for him to fill it up by himself, I got to leave so that he stops comparing himself and me and how I'm always out of his league.

Personal growth:
The relationship got to a point of unreasonable expectations and wants from each other and both of us lost ourselves. The only way for us to grow as solid individuals is to be apart.

The Talk:
Leading up to the day, I was just having nightmares every night. I was so afraid and I couldn't sleep well at all. I was suppose to talk to him on Thursday but chickened out and sent him a long text on Friday and we met on Sunday to talk.

The front half of the talk sounded like he was asking for a second chance but at the same time, he was putting all the blame on me. He said he tried really hard to not neglect me as much, but on my part I did not try at all. Sure, bro, sure. If it makes you feel better by putting me down, sure. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this hurt but I believe this is better for us.

The talk ended with him saying that he will wait for me. *facepalm*

The Aftermath:
I busied myself with part time work and Soka meetings for the next 2 months. I was extremely exhausted and never paused to think for myself. I started to ask myself "why am I so busy for? I thought I quit my full time so that I can have a break myself? But it just feels way more exhausting than before." That's when I realised that I spammed work so that I can avoid dealing with my emotions from the break up. I lost purpose and suddenly all the emotions became so overwhelming for me and I pretty much became a slum. I started to ask myself if breaking up was the right thing to do, did I really tried my best for the relationship and I started to feel that I don't deserve to be happy anymore because I caused pain to another person.

I don't know if anyone knew because I would still be very smiley in front of everyone. As long as people don't ask how am I doing, I continued to pretend to be fine. It was also this period that I met this guy called Hong Ye.

The new guy:
Hong Ye is different from all the guy friends I have.

He is mature:
He mentioned that happiness comes from within and not something someone can give to you.

He is considerate:
I posted an emo story one night after arguing with Sean about Hong Ye. I told him nights at 11+pm but was still awake at 1+am. He texted me "You're not sleeping yet? Don't emo alr go sleep". I knew he saw the story but he did not asked me about it, unlike the countless people who dm me to ask. And I'm grateful for that as it was very overwhelming and those DMs weren't helping.

In general, he would consider the situation from my pov before going ahead with whatever he wanted to.

He showed me different perspectives:
I started to be able to understand different points of view or see things from different angles and that helped me to sort out some of the messy thoughts in my head.

He showed me that I have some worth:
For a good period, I felt like I don't deserve to be happy. But with me, one day, I suddenly felt like I could again. In a really long time, my life felt peaceful again.

We started dating the weekend I came back from Japan and kissed on Christmas eve. Everything was great.

The plot twist:
26 Dec 2018, Calvin suddenly texted me at 11+pm saying that he wanna chat for awhile, saying that he is at a friend's birthday party and he doesn't wanna drink but his friends keep forcing him and making fun of him for not wanting to drink. Blah blah blah. I didn't reply after awhile and he suddenly called me. I thought something had happened so I picked up the call. What a mistake and a waste of my time. But me being nice, I didn't want to just hang up and I just kept telling him that I'm tired and wanna go sleep already. But he kept going on and on. *facepalm*

I told Hong Ye through text and he became very... I don't know, worried? And asking me to hang up. He said many other things as well. I told him to go sleep first and not to worry so much and he said that he will be the stable one for me and went to sleep. However, a few minutes later, he texted me again and kept spamming me saying you should do this, you should do that, etc. And when I finally hung up with Calvin, he asked what we talked about and he had comments for everything. I just wanted to go sleep but the emotions became very overwhelming all of a sudden.

I could understand where he is coming from and it's what Jiahao told me previously but couldn't understand and insisted on doing whatever the fuck I wanted without any considerations for his feelings. The feel-bad feelings from November came rushing back again. I couldn't handle it and started to have breathing difficulties but Hong Ye just kept spamming me despite asking him to stop. Eventually he stopped and I did not reply him.

The next day he asked to meet for dinner and he asked me to be his girlfriend when we met. I couldn't comprehend why that day, why that timing would he ask me, especially after what happened the night before. There were so many uncertainties and insecurities. I told him no and I need time and space to think through properly.

The next few days, I talked to friends about the situation. Something is wrong but I still wanna talk to him and don't wanna cut him off. I don't understand what's going on. I don't know what I want. I thought maybe my friends would know what's best for me. And I did come back with a conclusion on 2 Jan 2019. I told him we need to talk. I wanted to stop dating him. I realised he was too much of a distraction from me focusing on bettering myself. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship.

The Dilemma:
We met. We talked. We clarified.

I told him that I want to be just friends without holding hands. He said then there wasn't any point anymore and that he would be like Calvin just another guy blowing up my phone and being annoying. He didn't want that. I didn't want to lose him as a friend.

He told me he knew his reaction that day was pushing me to the edge and he shouldn't have done that. He also said by jumping to the conclusion that the overwhelming situation is gonna keep happening, I'm denying him the chance to learn from his mistakes and change. I want to believe that people can change.

He is very contradicting and kinda does weird shit in his attempt to fight for me but I wanna believe it's just insecurities due to the lack of getting to know each other better.

Although he clarified on his side, my doubt and uncertainties are still there.

Now:
I told him I need a few days of not talking to him to clear my head space. Thankful for friends who reminded to hear my voice. There has been too many voices shouting at me till I can't hear myself.

Today is the first day personal space. I concluded that I need to know him more before coming to a conclusion and I shouldn't be tied down to the day I'm flying off to Australia as the deadline to come to a decision. Don't be rash. I need to be at my own pace and if he truly likes me and is a nice guy, he needs to be patient with me.

But what do I want out of this relationship? Do I wanna take the risk to jump into the darkness of uncertainties, in hopes that his hand will be there to go through it together? What is his true intentions?

Guess I'll just take the next few days to slowly figure out by myself.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S I'm really thankful for everyone who reached out to me during this period. This includes Hong Ye even though I'm so troubled over him now.

It's my birthday!

19 April. Yesterday. It was my birthday...

Well, it was supposed to be a happy day, right? Nah totally the opposite and it's partly my fault as i chose to live this day negatively. Last year, I was down with a flu and was trying so hard to seem like I was enjoying my day. I already knew that my boyfriend was planning a surprise for me. But instead of being happy, I was just 'hmmm okay?'. This year was worse. LOL.

One of my best friend from primary school came to my house early in the morning before I had to leave house. She texted me saying she is at my doorstep and when i opened the door, I just asked her, "Why you come up my house? Just wait downstairs ah!" and she was singing birthday song to me. And that begins my time of pushing people away because I don't know how to act all excited and happy about my birthday and all the presents and cakes.

Since when did it start to be like this? Hmmm, let me think back... I used to love birthday celebrations. But now, I prefer quiet celebrations with a few of my loved ones. I'm getting claustrophobic... Yesterday, with my entire religion institution, SPSD, they sang birthday song for me. How awkward, how high profile, how much I really wanna just bury my face into the floor... After the event, with 8 other people from my clique including my boyfriend, we went to eat at Pizza Hut. 2 of my friends went to Uniqlo to get my present and a helium balloon. When they came back to find us at Pizza Hut, all I could think of was "ohhh you are back! But since when did you came in? O.o". Everyone was asking why my reaction is like I'm not amused at all. Honestly, because I'm not amused! Helium balloons are overrated and I already told them what i wanted from Uniqlo. But, guys if you are reading this, I really appreciate all that. I just prefer a more low profile celebration.

To my loving boyfriend who is so afraid of making me angry or upset, I'm really fine that you are not done with preparing the presents. Really. I just want your company. Just like what you told me, anything and everything you give me, I will still love it. Even if it's just a simple dinner. :)

I cried so much at the last hour of my birthday. Thanks to my dad. I told him to stop attacking my helium balloon but he insisted that it would not burst. Ya wow.. -.- something small but it hit my limits.. I seriously hate interacting with people now. Why must I interact with them and put up a face that will please them? My boyfriend was telling me about how I can actually affect others easily if I'm constantly down and moody. I know. But I just don't want to please them, especially not on my birthday. I only want to eat with 3 of them out of those 8 people... Everyone was just so noisy. I couldn't hear my voice anymore.

I'll try harder to change my mentality. But right now, I'm just a depressing soul.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S. Happy 18th Birthday to myself! :)

Daunting...

Even though this happened about end of November of last year, these memories still haunts me.. You texted me again on my birthday. Since you were just asking about my school work as a casual conversation, I decided to reply. You showed so much concern... But it didn't matter anymore. You and I, we're impossible. You knew I already have a boyfriend, but yet you still wanted to ask me again. Why? Can't face reality that I'm gone forever and never gonna return? I hope that gave you a tight slap.

I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I just don't think I should invest my energy in scumbags like you. What's the point? But you made it into a nightmare. Those images flash in fragments. Horror. Shame. Pain. It's like tearing my heart apart and then putting it back together and tearing it further before it heals. Forgiving is too much to ask for.

Cry.
For I'll never return.
A gullible child.

This song should be what you're feeling now. My boyfriend is definitely way better than you. At least those painful times with you will not happen again. At least he loves me more than you did. At least he is always there for me even though I was with you.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S: Don't worry. I'm way happier with him now. So suck on that!

Regrets from daunting memories...

Ever since it ended... Ever since the magic stopped... Ever since empty promises were made... I can't get over it. I've been telling myself that holding on to them is of no use. But you're just too close to impossible to let go. All the memories... I miss you so much. I thought we were suppose to be friends again. You promised...

Scenes from Day 1 kept flashing through my mind. It hurts. It's like you've cast a shadow over me. Daunting memories... I don't wish to remember them anymore. I wanna leave the past with the past. But fragments kept coming back. I wanna move on. But how when there's Hurt tagging beside me?

We weren't meant to be from the very moment we spoke. You were a lesson, not a blessing. If only I figured that out earlier... But time doesn't wait for people filled with regrets. "Move on." is the only advice one could give. But it is a million times easier said than done. Have you moved on? I hope you have because I just want you to be happy. That's all that matter :)

Stay strong!
Tracey Wong (:

Loving life as it is

I feel so proud of my brother! :D although over the years we have drifted apart and even stop talking to each other at home, spiritually, we are still damn close! So love that awesome feeling that he cares for me even though he appears not to! :D so sweet huh?? Weird thing about my family - we all don't exactly know how to express our love for each other. My dad care for us by ensuring our education is able to bring us to somewhere but it's too much sometimes. My brother would just appear nonchalant but he would still do something if you ask him to! Me, I would just care for them secretly. Only my friends know this. Doubt my family will see though. But that's what family is about! Doing things for them even without their knowing :D it might just unknowingly make their day! :D

sighs...

So I've been wondering why I'm studying for as the exams are round the corner and I cant find a good reason. All I knew was that I'm doing it because my dad ask me to. But when I do well for examinations, i get no shit! Getting all As and Bs for him which was like a miracle for me but he just went back on his word. He promise to give me a new phone but now I get no shit. Not even a praise or encouragement! It wont hurt to say "keep up the good work" right?

Really curious sometimes about how he feels about me. It's like he only has my sister in his eyes! Left at the side lines everytime. It gets so lonely sometimes. And I guess no one will ever understand how I feel because they would just tell me they go through the same thing and that it's life. I understand that but all I want is just my dad to shower some concern for me. And not for the sake of my future! Also, I keep sensing that my friend hates me. Like I'm some sort of attention seeker. Everyone wants to seek attention one way or the other. I just want my parents' attention. Why is it just so damn hard?!

Jagabee has been like showing concern to me. Told him that he shouldn't cause I don't wanna fall deeper in love. Feel like kidnapping him sometimes and threaten him to tell me how he feel about me and stop leading me on. LOL. Sound so violent o.o

Hope all these exams nonsense can pass on faster! Cant wait for the end of year to come knocking on my door! Will definitely welcome it with both my arms wide open!!! :P hope you guys are enjoying life as it is! :D

TraceyWong!