Can you play with me instead? #FOMOisreal

I fucking hate thinking of post titles... oh my lord...

Anyways, I have decided that I gonna write every other day. It's kinda the only safe space for me right now to help me process my thoughts and feelings.

Maybe just an update about my mental state during this COVID-19. In short, it has been trash and I am kinda getting worst. But then again, me being able to write this post is kind of a turning point. Let's hope it is a legit turning point. At least I'm not crying while writing this. So congrats me!

But the biggest thing that is annoying the hell out of me now is G playing maple and mobile legends with other people instead of playing stardew or watching shows with me. And I think the most annoying part is that I keep having this internal battle within myself - it's fine, he should have his own space vs. wanting to be wilful and everything got to be with me.

Gaming itself, I'm legit fine with it. What I'm not okay with is that I constantly feel like I'm forcing him to do those other things with me and that he doesn't actually enjoy them. Even things like sharing youtube videos with him, the response he has doesn't have the same excitement that I have. And it's worst when I hear that other people are playing with him and KEEP MENTIONING HIS NAME, saying that he helped them level up a lot. You got so much time to help other people right? You're having so much fun with other people and without me right?

You say you don't really play stardew because I played with Belvy and Janice and advanced too far ahead in the game and you feel left out. And so you play the other games more often instead. But has it occurred to you that this whole "playing with other people" thing, regardless of the game, is making me feel left out too?????????? The FOMO is real and it's fucking annoying to see my boyfriend enjoying his time more with other people.

And I struggle so much between fuck it be wilful and demand what I want and being an understanding person. With my mental state, honestly, being paggro is the best I can do and I know how childish this whole shit is. I KNOW. That voice in my head is constantly telling me.

*pause a while cause this is making me very angry and frustrated again*

So anyways, it could be because now I have a lot of extra time compared to previously busy with Soka activities and meeting friends. With all this extra time, I just want to spend them with you but it seems to me that I am secondary. It's kinda what happened in the first year with Jiahao. He was always in archery and I was always waiting. In the end, I found my own way of passing time instead of waiting and I pretty much didn't actually need him in my life anymore. I remember having this conversation with you before and you said it hurts for the guy to know that he is not needed in the girl's life anymore. I hope we don't reach there and I'm thankful that you didn't just fuck it and throw the towel because if it was me, I think I would have given up.

So I decided to just give maple a go even though I know I'm not gonna like it because I don't understand where the fun of it is... 20 May is the first day I'm playing maple for real... At least now when you wanna maple, you will invite me to join too.

Also, I started chanting again after not doing it for almost 2 weeks. Every time my mum nags about it, it makes me not wanna chant even more which is another childish thing that I'm dealing with. I'm not sure if I have hit rock bottom but I hope everything will get better.

Tracey :)

2019 is ending

Hi! 

So as the title suggests, this was supposed to be a 2019 review post. I started writing since 2 Nov 2019 and somehow managed to procrastinate till mid 2020. Good job Tracey! But no joke, 2019 has crazy and it's too much for me to actually write everything down in a clear format because everything was just so jumbled up. So I'm gonna do a TD;LR for now and the long version I will edit it whenever I feel like it.

TD;LR

1. Tri 1 was not too bad I guess other than siyue being a weird 35yo freak who is interested in me.
2. Tri 2 was when everything went downhill.
3. I completely stopped chanting during the June holidays till about mid July.
4. Met N through friends. Ended within 3 weeks of dating due to miscommunication that dragged on till Dec. Until now, I still haven't quite gotten the full picture and how things ended up this way.
5. I lost my friendship with Junwei, and partly Sean? From their POV, ever since coming to Australia, I've changed and I neglected the friendship and was pretty much using my looks to get favours from guys. 
6. Because of whatever happened, I wasn't able to manage my mental health and I self-diagnosed that I have high-functioning depression. With Yanchao's encouragement, I started seeing a counsellor through my uni's free services. Things kinda got better? And basically, I put my self-worth on the people around me and so once that is gone, I go into a state where I question my identity and every other philosophical shit.

That's as summarised I can be. I'm currently still trying to get better mentally and this COVID-19 shit is not of the best. For those who are struggling as well, just know that you're not alone.

Tracey :)



Grandmother story ahead!!! (You can skip for now)

Feels so weird to be writing again but 2019 has been a mess and I think it's high time I took the time and effort to record everything down to kinda serve as a reminder.

2019 is like a roller coaster. Well, come to think of it, every year is like a roller coaster. But this year, the ride was crazier than ever. New environment, new friends, crazy workload, missing my family and friends - these are just scratching the tip of the iceberg.

Trimester 1

In week 3, the homesickness suddenly kicked in. I went to uni on Thurs to help out in some VR bioclimatic research and the VR gave me massive motion sickness so I went to the park opposite uni to chill before heading home. I don't know what came over me but I just started crying uncontrollably. Thankfully, there wasn't anyone there so I can save myself some embarrassment. I started to question why I'm here in Geelong and thinking about how much I like the city. Even the Soka group meetings are not encouraging/motivating me and my group leader didn't even reach out to me to welcome me to Geelong. I had thoughts of moving to the city for my masters because I wanna run away from this godforsaken place. But thinking about the tuition fees just made me sadder. 

I went home to chant and my mood improved in a couple of days. Mystically, answers to why I'm here in Geelong started appearing in my life. I decided to stay in Geelong for my masters. I firmly believe that my mission is here in Geelong. Precisely because it is outside my comfort zone, all the more I should stay here and overcome it!

The rest of T1 went by pretty well. I scored HD, HD, D, C. Just a couple of days I wanna have someone by my side. There were people who were interested in me but I only see them as a bro/comrade. But sometimes, just sometimes when I feel lonely, I did consider if I should just give it a try. But it just didn't sit well inside of me.

Trimester 2 - When I met N

If anything, T2 was the climax of the roller coaster ride.

The holidays came by. I fell and injured my right foot. I was homebound. Although I was planning our very first Geelong study campaign in July, I wasn't chanting on my own the entire June and even into July when school started. This was the pot of hot mess that put me in my lowest life condition. To make things worse, I met N and made out with him during Yan's 21st birthday. It was unintentional but at the end of the day, I didn't push him away. He texted me the next day to ask if we could hang and I told him I wasn't interested in a committed relationship and that we should remain as friends. We talked a while more and it just faded out because "why would a guy continue talking to you if he knows there is no possibility?". How typical...

When school started, I felt highly unmotivated. I just really wanted to go back to Singapore. And when there was a chance to go club again, I quickly jumped onto it. Roy's birthday in week 3 was the perfect chance. I wasn't sure if I will see N there but I just wanted to have fun and forget about this empty feeling inside me. And well, obviously, he appeared coz Simp called him. Lol. Damn, his perfume smell so good.

I stuck to Dinesh and Harith cause I felt really awkward every time I made eye contact with N. At one point, I suddenly became really dizzy so we went to rest at the table. But I was gone from the dance floor for too long, and everyone started pulling me back. Somehow, while dancing, I ended up beside N. I leaned onto him for the majority of the time and as usual, he took care of me and helped me reject drinks. At one point, 'Fix You' by Coldplay was on. He sang "and I'm gonna try to get you" to me. My heart skipped a beat. We were hugging. I vaguely remember kissing his neck but we didn't make out. At least not until two other friends started to. He just carried me and I hugged him like a koala bear. We survived the night without puking. The rest went to the Airbnb first. We went for supper. He sent me to Airbnb. Side note: he could have just brought me back with him and I even suggested it to him but he just dismissed my suggestion and insisted on bringing me to Airbnb. That night I knew he was different.

For the next few days, I couldn't keep my eyes off my phone. I was constantly checking if he had replied me during his work break. And although our conversations weren't anything special, his name always gave me the butterflies. And the sweet little things he says would brighten my day. But at the back of my mind, I constantly doubted if he was only saying nice things to get into my pants. Yet, the connection I feel with him felt so real.

We went on a road trip to Anglesea on 24 July. The view was amazing and I felt so at peace with myself. I felt like I can be myself when I'm with N. The more I hang with him, the more I feel real. Or was I putting myself in a fantasyland? That night, we watched a movie Stuber after dinner and we bumped into Darren and Nicky. We were holding hands at first and I instinctively let go for fear that people would talk. But we were gonna go drink together with them, Simp and Roy as well. I couldn't have hidden it for long anyways. That night, I was so clingy. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want the night to end. That night, he sent me home and we started making out in the car for a good 2 hours. I felt light. I felt euphoric. I felt like I'm on top of the world. Just like that song by Hailee Steinfeld, I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you.

On 28 July, there was a house party at Simp's place and they invited N as well. Again, high me equals clingy me. But was I always this clingy? I don't remember. Besides, Jia never let me drink till I was high so I guess I will never know. N booked a hotel so that he can go back to Melb city the next day instead. I stayed over with him but nothing happened cause I was having Nigeria Falls down under. How unfortunate, I thought to myself. Sadly, I couldn't afford to continue daydreaming with him as my submissions are in 24 hours and I have a presentation that next day. But, well, he did stay with me while I was rushing through them and he helped me with my model as well. Thankfully, I could catch a couple of hours of sleep before the presentation. We both snuggled up on Simp's couch. It was so goddamn cold that night but yet my heart was really warm.

I flunked my presentation. I wanted to cry so bad. My friends all doubted me when I said I might fail. Nah, your standard isn't that bad, you won't fail. That just made me feel like I can't share my true feelings with anyone. What made things worst was N went back to Melb city without saying bye to me face to face and I really needed a hug so bad... I went back to Simp's place to get my stuff. The moment I was alone in the room, I just cried uncontrollably. I just needed to release all the tension within myself. I went to Dex's place to find the rest after that and they asked me if I wanted to go to Melb city with them. Just to chill and get our minds away from all this stress. I agreed and told N about it. He said he would come to find me. When we met, he did not ask me about my presentation. For some reason, I was glad he didn't ask me because I think I would have cried at the sheer thought of it. N did exactly what I needed that night, without me saying anything. It felt like he knew my heart. I was just very thankful for that night.

Fast forward to term break, I stayed over at his place for the weekend as I had Soka meetings and was gonna head back to Geelong on Tuesday. We had sex. I used to think sex was nothing special, maybe even boring, and it was something to please only guys. But N changed my impression of it. He helped me finish even after he was done. He knew what to do to get me on. I always wondered what it would be like to be high on pills. I think that was the closest. But if you ask me what does orgasm feels like, I have no idea. I feel like I can go higher.

I was so happy I wanted to share them with my friends. I texted at least 10 friends about it. I was just so happy. But slowly, opinions and advice started flowing in. He is Thai, you're Singaporean. Where are you guys gonna settle down after graduating? Are you getting PR? blah blah blah... I got stuck in this sea of thoughts. I felt so unsupported. I felt so alone. I just wanted to have fun and be happy. But I didn't know how to express these feelings and I wanted to be socially pleasing. In the midst of this, I didn't have to go back to Geelong on Tuesday anymore and could stay till Friday instead. N convinced me to stay longer so that we could spend more time together. Looking back, it was an unwise decision because he has to work on Wednesday and Thursday and won't be home till 11pm. In the midst of these thoughts, what could have been precious time spent together, I wasn't present with N. I wasn't in the mood to talk or to do anything. I couldn't get out of my thoughts and worrying about how others would look at me. That night became a huge wedge between us.

Thursday night broke everything. N came home around 11pm as usual. He got dinner for me and I was eating while he washed up to get ready for bed. However, N's friends kept calling him to hang. He went at around 1230am and told me he would be back in 1+h. Okay go have fun, I said. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I texted him, it feels like we are didn't even spend any time together. He apologised that he was busy at work. But it wasn't about whether he was working. I just ignored him and continued watching Big Bang Theory. Soon, it was 3am. I texted him to let him know that I was gonna go sleep as I have waited long enough. When he reached home, I was actually still awake but pretended to be sleeping. He washed up and joined me in bed. Hi. Hi. Hi? I guess he knew I wasn't asleep and kept poking me to get a response. He gave up and decided to hug me to sleep. I was boiling inside and his body heat to making it worst. I snapped, WHAT?! I pushed him away and went to sleep for good. The next day we didn't talk much over lunch. He sent me to Southern Cross and I went back to Geelong just in time for work. On the way to SC, I asked N, what are we? He responded, I don't know, what do you think? I felt so lost. I felt scared. I was thrown back to the sea of thoughts from Tuesday.

What happened on Thursday night bothered me so much. But I didn't know what to do. My gut has been telling me to talk to him, but I have been ignoring it throughout the week. I felt that I was in no position to voice my feelings and that I would be overbearing if I did. Another voice kept telling me that we aren't that close yet to be talking about such issues within us. Yan told me to call N to talk about it. I suggested to call N a couple of times but he kept saying he is busy and would call me the next day. No call. Monday came, the same thing again. I was so salty and petty.

I will call you tomorrow, don't miss me too much okay?

I wanna call is not coz I miss you. I have something I wanna talk to you about.

Um, okay. I'll call you tomorrow. Nights

I apologised to N the next day for being so sarcastic. He said to forget about it. We talked about other stuff, just to move on from that sensitive topic. My last reply to him was around 8pm. 11pm came around, he hasn't read the message. He didn't have work that day. He could have replied me. He was avoiding me. I decided to listen to my friends and not text him first. Looking back now, how childish...

He ghosted me for 2 days. I had enough. I went ahead to text him first to end things with him. I was hasty. I was reckless. I just wanted my singular peace again. Relief rushed in but after hearing Dinesh giving me a guy's pov, I wanted to turn back time so badly and do it all over again. I realised that his plate could have been already filled and my overflowing emotions may have just hit the limit and overwhelmed him and his defensive mechanism is to avoid it as a whole and what better way than to simply cut contact?

I was upset. I was angry. I wanted to move on but I couldn't get any closure. My friends kept saying like as though it's easy but the more I tried to not think about him, the more he was on my mind. If he posted a story, I would click on it so fast. I was hoping he would give me a hint through his stories. What naive optimistic.

I decided to write a letter to him as a final way to seek closure for myself. I procrastinate for 2 weeks. I kept telling myself I'm feeling better now without N. I don't actually need to write that letter anymore. But I eventually plucked the courage and wrote it anyways. A couple days later, I saw that he moved apartment. So I used that as an excuse to meet him to get my stuff back. He responded and I gave him dates that I will be heading down to city. He said he would let me know when he is available. Again, I'm on the waiting end.

Soon, it was submission period and I was into exercising to cut some weight. I was always in school and alternate days at the gym. But I kept using Junwei's or Harith's key and one of the nights, Junwei just flipped. The way he texted is different. I asked Sean and Harith but they both said maybe he is tired. Hmm, okay sure. I stopped going gym unless they invited me to go together. But that air of awkwardness didn't float away.

On 11 Oct, I went clubbing with Yan, Dinesh, Harith, Junwei, and Rayson. Junwei kept saying "I love you guys" Harith whispered to me "see, he is okay with you" well, obviously it's drunk talk so I didn't think much of it. One of the songs that were playing had lyrics that went "do what your heart wants". I asked Harith and I told him that I miss N. He was too high to stop me and I ended up drunk texting N. Hahaha what's new Tracey? But because of that drunk courage, I finally could meet him again. I could get my stuff back as the last excuse to meet him. I wanted to talk to him but I was scared. Scared of what I might do, what he might do, what we may end up with.

Jocelyn, Shimmy, and Chai came with me to meet N. I wrote him another letter so I gave him that instead. When I met N, I really wanted to hold his hand one last time, touch his face one last time, smell his familiar scent one last time, hug him one last time. But I know I shouldn't and I couldn't bring other words out of me and I'm sorry for that. I thought I was braver than that. But I'm glad I at least gave you the letter so that maybe it could help give you closure as well. I deleted Line and unfollowed N that night. But yet I found myself refreshing the page, hoping to see N popping on my feed. I was hoping N would reach out to me. I'm not quite sure why I couldn't fully let go.

[I met N 2 more times after that incident before coming back to Singapore. If I feel like it, I will write everything down but as you can see, the story is already fucking long and pointless tbh. HAHA]

So, after coming back to Singapore and being physically away from all the toxicity, I could see very clearly that if all these were to happen in Singapore, I wouldn't have been this attached to N. Simply put, I couldn't let him go was because I didn't wanna go back to feeling lonely again. On hindsight now, 有钱就是不一样. Dates are so different and the way he spoils me is honestly like what will happen in dramas. It was nice while it lasted.


A friendship I couldn't keep

Late thoughts...

Hi...

It's 5am and I can't sleep... And also because I have been procrastinating writing for a long time... But here's my late thoughts for whoever out there.

Ever since this virus started, I haven't been in the best state mentally. I get irritated easily and I can't see the bright side no matter how hard I try. All I see is the negative things around me. It constantly feels like the whole world against me. With this extra time now, it's even harder to push these negative things away. I don't know how to manage them. I think maybe they have been within me all these while. The virus just forced me to look at them. But I can't seem to want to do anything about them. My mum kept asking me to chant but I don't wanna do it when she's watching. But when everyone's asleep, like now, I don't want to either.

There are times I want to talk about it but I don't know how to talk about it or where to start. It feels like if I start, it's gonna be a "complain and do nothing about it" session. But there are also days and weeks when I just don't feel like talking to anyone and that it's easier if I just slip into my shell... One thing's for sure is, either way, I don't feel happy and I haven't been in the longest time. The past year has been bad. Worst than usual. I don't remember smiling or laughing because I truly am happy. I was always anxious and nervous around people, thinking when will I fuck up. And in the midst of trying to be careful, I still somehow fucked up. Now, I don't know how to go back to normal or adapt to the new norm. I'm just simply floating around. 

G said my usual self is cheerful and bubbly but in my memories that was a facade I put on when I came back to Singapore. Because I couldn't bring myself to reveal all that vulnerability after friends whom I thought were lifelong friends just left me in a blink of an eye. I don't know who is going to help me if I show up knocking on their doors with wounds that no one would expect on me. I mean, if I met you all shattered in pieces, would you have liked me back? Why would anyone want to be tied down to an emotional baggage that is filled to the brim and ready to explode anytime?

I know people are gonna say "we will be here for you" and that I am twisted to doubt my friendships but what if that's a facade as well to be the socially nice person? What if they are broken inside as well and are forced to put on a facade? I don't want to add on to other people's plates. In this pandemic, we all have enough to handle.

Anyways, enough of the rambling... I still believe that everything happened because this is the most difficult path that I must take for Kosen-Rufu. This is the vow that I made at the Hall of Great Vow back in 2018. I will try do my best. I just wish the world can stop spinning for a while so that I can take a break and hide in my shell for a while. 

7 more days to submission week and then time to worry about going back to Australia if tri 2 is going to on-campus.

Tracey :)

New Phase

Hi from Down Under!

It's Day 2 in Geelong and house finding is tiring af... I feel like I have yet to recover from my uncomfortable plane ride... And everything is constantly changing to the point that I always find myself about to snap...

And Junwei's dad is being a real prick. He is treating us like poor people and taking pity on us and covering more of the rent. To be honest, I don't know what his intentions are... Like, does he even want me and Junwei to stay together? I'm sad that my parents got to feel so 委屈, that we got to receive pity from others... I must really do my best then, to not waste my parents money and all these stupid treatment from others!

Change is always tough I guess. Hopefully I can quickly settle down into an apartment and rest well before school starts. I can't even remember when was the last time I could just worry about nothing and chillax.

Also, I tried to end things with him. But I 心软 again. BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I JUST COULDN'T CUT OFF THAT NIGHT! I stood so firmly for like 3h? Then I just decided to "okay, one last chance". What is wrong with me?! Adora and Luis were so disappointed and I felt very sad like why I keep putting myself through unnecessary trouble. That night I went drinking with them and I just drank a whole lot of shit really quick and was high af. But at least, when I was high, I felt genuinely happy and had fun. Hopefully I don't get addicted to that temporary happiness and can find true happiness within myself.

At the end of the day, only I can decide to be happy for myself.

TraceyWong(:

Something like that

Finding a direction is so tough...

In my recent trip to Japan, I went to Hall of Great Vow and Soka University of Japan and the trip was so amazing. I made a vow when I was there.

1. I vow to be a genuine friend to whoever I meet and forge golden bridges of trust.
2. I vow to always take the most difficult path based on faith and to do my best for Kosen-Rufu together with Sensei.
3. I must attend SUJ as a student so as to fully understand and translate the magnitude of Sensei's philosophy for peace into my daily life.

I have also been thinking about my 2019 New Year Resolutions.

1. To strengthen and deepen my faith by connecting to Sensei's heart through NHR.
2. To have healthy communication with my loved ones, especially my family.
3. To have the courage to hear my voice and to not be afraid to take my time when I need to.

About him... 

Thank you for giving me the space that I needed a lot. I really like you as a person. And the few days after we talked last Saturday, I feel like you’re back to your normal self again which is what I like about talking to you. Like I can be very comfortable.

What really confused me is this mildly toxic behaviour. Last Saturday I didn’t know how to explain to you so the past few days I have been thinking about it.

• “Tell you next time” but yet keep continue to harp on it
• “Trust me” / “I don’t need much assurance” I always feel when people keep repeating certain speech language/topics, they are actually like that themselves. E.g. Annabel and being judgy, Jamie saying that I’m a trashy person. How I’m always so bhb, it’s because of my somewhat lack of self-confidence so I need to prep talk myself to boost my confidence. I constantly feel like I have to reassure you for some reason.
• Guilt tripping me “I’m telling you all these now you better don’t tomorrow leave me” 
• Enforcing your views on me although you say “this is just how I feel and you may not agree” and then go on to convince me why you are right, and I’m not entirely right.
• Is it you keep checking my chat to see my last seen? It’s a bit weird and stalker-ish to do that... that’s what my ex do also. Like if I wanna reply I will ah. But sometimes I could be busy to do so but just wanna clear notifications. 

With that being said, a friend reminded me that people are ever changing and should always grow. Then she asked me “you want him to change but are you willing to change too?” I don’t know but I know I should as long as I’m becoming a better person. So please share with me as well if I’m being an ass. I mean, if we’re in this for the long run, then I think we need to constantly help each other improve ourselves? And another friend told me that sometimes I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, like I keep behaving like a Soka leader. I don't know but ya maybe this is something I can work on as well?

And I don’t want to come to a conclusion about the both of us without actually getting to know each other properly yet. I think you’re very confused about what to do as well because you don’t know me like how I’m like etc. and I don’t have enough trust with you to wanna go forward with you because I don’t know you well as well.

And like remember how you said like we don’t have to be complicated? But I think cause we don’t know each other, it has become complicated. So conclusion is, we can continue seeing each other but let’s get to know each other first without being pressured about the time left before I fly off. I think this situation is very unique but if we can get through it, our relationship will be a lot stronger than just rushing into it.

All in all, the personal space was something that I really needed and I felt very peaceful.

Tracey Wong (:

P.S I know the past few days mustn't have been easy for you as well.

P.S.S It was abit sad when my sis told me that she feel that HY is weird. Haiz... Is it something I should take note of and fuck off 

I'm still finding myself but I'm back!

Hi?

How do people even start blogpost nowadays? Hmm...

It's been 4 years since I blogged or even written my thoughts on any platform and I have seen how detrimental it has been to not transfer my emotions onto a platform. Looking back, it's also the beginning of the internal struggle I am facing now...

Quick overall updates:
1. Poly is one of the best times of my life and will do anything to go through it again.
2. I worked full time in an Architecture firm from May 2016 to July 2018 and I am very very grateful to my boss and colleagues for guiding me throughout this period and I have really learnt tons that school could never provide.
3. I decided to pursue Architecture at Australia Deakin University in February 2019. Although I am not 100% sure, working made me more sure than before I took my gap year. And I'm gonna strive to become 100% sure! However, the idea of going overseas is really daunting to me... There are so many uncertainties and things that I can't predict that will happen...
4. I broke up with Jiahao on 2 September 2018. Everything has been a blur since...

Today, I wanna focus more on update #4 and what has happened ever since.

Issue in the relationship:
From the onset, he always felt that I am out of his league and that he feels insecure whenever I start talking to other guys even though I made my stand clear that I am only friends with them and as long as I am faithful to him, that's all that matters.

In the first year, his entire focus was on archery and he hardly makes time for me over the weekends for dinner despite our already-very-challenging schedules. We could easily meet only once a month which is very abnormal for a couple that just started out. And on days that we meet, the conversations were always about me but whenever I inquire about his day or even to find out more about his past before we met, he would always tell me "it was good", "I can't remember", "oh, it's nothing much". When I share with him about my project design concept to sort of get some feedback, he would simply say "I think it's good". I felt like I was constantly receiving a negative response and I grew to not rely on him and enjoy talking to my friends more than him.

The lack of response that he gave me slowly made me feel like as though he would not be able to understand what I'm going through and therefore, no reason to share with him since the answer from him would be the same as asking a stranger. Because of that, I started to just keep to myself and eventually, I was afraid to face the truth.

Subsequently, I started to see many flaws in him.
His lack of ambition:
Or maybe we just have a different concept of a successful life. To him, it meant having a secure job, getting a house, getting married, have kids, work till retirement. To me, it meant creating value even if it means I will be taking a longer route from the typical ideal life but as long as the process is an adventure instead of just getting through with. He wanted to study sports science but because the industry is deemed to not have good prospects, he decided not to pursue his dreams and I feel that such a life is so pitiful.

His half-fuck semi selfish attitude:
Back in 2017, one of our friends, Yong's mental illness worsen all of a sudden and he reached out to me as we used to be close before me and Jiahao got together. I knew I would not be handling the situation properly and I also felt that Yong really needed friends to reach out to him. So I asked the entire clique to reach out to Yong. However, everyone was busy and didn't give much fuck. The clique knew that he has emo times every now and then but no one bothered to care for him. I didn't bother to check in on him. I felt that I was being such a shitty friend for not realising that my friend really needed help. I started to invest a lot of time into helping Yong. He would call me whenever he is getting an attack. However, there were times that I couldn't due to Soka meetings. I told Jiahao to help me reach out to Yong however, he refused. Not even a text. Instead of helping a friend in need, he chose to be jealous. He would ask me to stop talking to Yong on the phone and say things like "he can settle on his own", "you are just wasting your time". What. The. Bloody. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?! Just because I am talking to another guy more than you? A guy who needs help. A guy who is your friend. Can you still say that if something actually happened to him? Thankfully, Yong managed to open up to me more and eventually sought professional help and his condition is under control now. If not, I don't think I can forgive your behaviour. Ever.

His lack of understanding:
As time goes by, I took on more leadership roles. In 2015, I was a district leader, CIC and in Archery committee. In 2016, I became trailblazer and had so much more responsibilities. Although he is a Soka member and was a CIC back in poly, he couldn't understand why I had so much commitments and this made me continue to feel that he will never understand the magnitude of my challenges and therefore, I stopped sharing with him since he will not provide any emotional support to me as well. Talking to him became a burden.

The Ultimatum:
All these while, people have been telling me to break up and start afresh but I couldn't find the courage to do it. I constantly told myself that the relationship is not working out because I didn't try hard enough, I didn't do enough to salvage the relationship. I can't call it quits without actually having put in any effort. So, I kept trying and trying and trying.

One night, after Youth for Peace Symposium panelists review, Liyan and I went home together and she asked me how was I doing and how's my relationship. I ended up crying. But she told me one thing. "Chant for direction. What is the purpose of this relationship? Why did things turned out this way? What is the next step for this relationship?" I realised that I didn't challenge this issue based on faith. The more I chanted, the clearer it became. The voice in my head grew louder, telling me that it's time to end the relationship.

Being a good friend:
To me, this term means wanting my friend to be genuinely happy. I realised that his unhappiness stems from his low self esteem and insecurities. Just like the scene of Astrid and Michael from Crazy Rich Asians, I realised that no matter how much I give him, it will never fill his cup and he has to fill it up by himself. In order for him to fill it up by himself, I got to leave so that he stops comparing himself and me and how I'm always out of his league.

Personal growth:
The relationship got to a point of unreasonable expectations and wants from each other and both of us lost ourselves. The only way for us to grow as solid individuals is to be apart.

The Talk:
Leading up to the day, I was just having nightmares every night. I was so afraid and I couldn't sleep well at all. I was suppose to talk to him on Thursday but chickened out and sent him a long text on Friday and we met on Sunday to talk.

The front half of the talk sounded like he was asking for a second chance but at the same time, he was putting all the blame on me. He said he tried really hard to not neglect me as much, but on my part I did not try at all. Sure, bro, sure. If it makes you feel better by putting me down, sure. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this hurt but I believe this is better for us.

The talk ended with him saying that he will wait for me. *facepalm*

The Aftermath:
I busied myself with part time work and Soka meetings for the next 2 months. I was extremely exhausted and never paused to think for myself. I started to ask myself "why am I so busy for? I thought I quit my full time so that I can have a break myself? But it just feels way more exhausting than before." That's when I realised that I spammed work so that I can avoid dealing with my emotions from the break up. I lost purpose and suddenly all the emotions became so overwhelming for me and I pretty much became a slum. I started to ask myself if breaking up was the right thing to do, did I really tried my best for the relationship and I started to feel that I don't deserve to be happy anymore because I caused pain to another person.

I don't know if anyone knew because I would still be very smiley in front of everyone. As long as people don't ask how am I doing, I continued to pretend to be fine. It was also this period that I met this guy called Hong Ye.

The new guy:
Hong Ye is different from all the guy friends I have.

He is mature:
He mentioned that happiness comes from within and not something someone can give to you.

He is considerate:
I posted an emo story one night after arguing with Sean about Hong Ye. I told him nights at 11+pm but was still awake at 1+am. He texted me "You're not sleeping yet? Don't emo alr go sleep". I knew he saw the story but he did not asked me about it, unlike the countless people who dm me to ask. And I'm grateful for that as it was very overwhelming and those DMs weren't helping.

In general, he would consider the situation from my pov before going ahead with whatever he wanted to.

He showed me different perspectives:
I started to be able to understand different points of view or see things from different angles and that helped me to sort out some of the messy thoughts in my head.

He showed me that I have some worth:
For a good period, I felt like I don't deserve to be happy. But with me, one day, I suddenly felt like I could again. In a really long time, my life felt peaceful again.

We started dating the weekend I came back from Japan and kissed on Christmas eve. Everything was great.

The plot twist:
26 Dec 2018, Calvin suddenly texted me at 11+pm saying that he wanna chat for awhile, saying that he is at a friend's birthday party and he doesn't wanna drink but his friends keep forcing him and making fun of him for not wanting to drink. Blah blah blah. I didn't reply after awhile and he suddenly called me. I thought something had happened so I picked up the call. What a mistake and a waste of my time. But me being nice, I didn't want to just hang up and I just kept telling him that I'm tired and wanna go sleep already. But he kept going on and on. *facepalm*

I told Hong Ye through text and he became very... I don't know, worried? And asking me to hang up. He said many other things as well. I told him to go sleep first and not to worry so much and he said that he will be the stable one for me and went to sleep. However, a few minutes later, he texted me again and kept spamming me saying you should do this, you should do that, etc. And when I finally hung up with Calvin, he asked what we talked about and he had comments for everything. I just wanted to go sleep but the emotions became very overwhelming all of a sudden.

I could understand where he is coming from and it's what Jiahao told me previously but couldn't understand and insisted on doing whatever the fuck I wanted without any considerations for his feelings. The feel-bad feelings from November came rushing back again. I couldn't handle it and started to have breathing difficulties but Hong Ye just kept spamming me despite asking him to stop. Eventually he stopped and I did not reply him.

The next day he asked to meet for dinner and he asked me to be his girlfriend when we met. I couldn't comprehend why that day, why that timing would he ask me, especially after what happened the night before. There were so many uncertainties and insecurities. I told him no and I need time and space to think through properly.

The next few days, I talked to friends about the situation. Something is wrong but I still wanna talk to him and don't wanna cut him off. I don't understand what's going on. I don't know what I want. I thought maybe my friends would know what's best for me. And I did come back with a conclusion on 2 Jan 2019. I told him we need to talk. I wanted to stop dating him. I realised he was too much of a distraction from me focusing on bettering myself. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship.

The Dilemma:
We met. We talked. We clarified.

I told him that I want to be just friends without holding hands. He said then there wasn't any point anymore and that he would be like Calvin just another guy blowing up my phone and being annoying. He didn't want that. I didn't want to lose him as a friend.

He told me he knew his reaction that day was pushing me to the edge and he shouldn't have done that. He also said by jumping to the conclusion that the overwhelming situation is gonna keep happening, I'm denying him the chance to learn from his mistakes and change. I want to believe that people can change.

He is very contradicting and kinda does weird shit in his attempt to fight for me but I wanna believe it's just insecurities due to the lack of getting to know each other better.

Although he clarified on his side, my doubt and uncertainties are still there.

Now:
I told him I need a few days of not talking to him to clear my head space. Thankful for friends who reminded to hear my voice. There has been too many voices shouting at me till I can't hear myself.

Today is the first day personal space. I concluded that I need to know him more before coming to a conclusion and I shouldn't be tied down to the day I'm flying off to Australia as the deadline to come to a decision. Don't be rash. I need to be at my own pace and if he truly likes me and is a nice guy, he needs to be patient with me.

But what do I want out of this relationship? Do I wanna take the risk to jump into the darkness of uncertainties, in hopes that his hand will be there to go through it together? What is his true intentions?

Guess I'll just take the next few days to slowly figure out by myself.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S I'm really thankful for everyone who reached out to me during this period. This includes Hong Ye even though I'm so troubled over him now.

It's my birthday!

19 April. Yesterday. It was my birthday...

Well, it was supposed to be a happy day, right? Nah totally the opposite and it's partly my fault as i chose to live this day negatively. Last year, I was down with a flu and was trying so hard to seem like I was enjoying my day. I already knew that my boyfriend was planning a surprise for me. But instead of being happy, I was just 'hmmm okay?'. This year was worse. LOL.

One of my best friend from primary school came to my house early in the morning before I had to leave house. She texted me saying she is at my doorstep and when i opened the door, I just asked her, "Why you come up my house? Just wait downstairs ah!" and she was singing birthday song to me. And that begins my time of pushing people away because I don't know how to act all excited and happy about my birthday and all the presents and cakes.

Since when did it start to be like this? Hmmm, let me think back... I used to love birthday celebrations. But now, I prefer quiet celebrations with a few of my loved ones. I'm getting claustrophobic... Yesterday, with my entire religion institution, SPSD, they sang birthday song for me. How awkward, how high profile, how much I really wanna just bury my face into the floor... After the event, with 8 other people from my clique including my boyfriend, we went to eat at Pizza Hut. 2 of my friends went to Uniqlo to get my present and a helium balloon. When they came back to find us at Pizza Hut, all I could think of was "ohhh you are back! But since when did you came in? O.o". Everyone was asking why my reaction is like I'm not amused at all. Honestly, because I'm not amused! Helium balloons are overrated and I already told them what i wanted from Uniqlo. But, guys if you are reading this, I really appreciate all that. I just prefer a more low profile celebration.

To my loving boyfriend who is so afraid of making me angry or upset, I'm really fine that you are not done with preparing the presents. Really. I just want your company. Just like what you told me, anything and everything you give me, I will still love it. Even if it's just a simple dinner. :)

I cried so much at the last hour of my birthday. Thanks to my dad. I told him to stop attacking my helium balloon but he insisted that it would not burst. Ya wow.. -.- something small but it hit my limits.. I seriously hate interacting with people now. Why must I interact with them and put up a face that will please them? My boyfriend was telling me about how I can actually affect others easily if I'm constantly down and moody. I know. But I just don't want to please them, especially not on my birthday. I only want to eat with 3 of them out of those 8 people... Everyone was just so noisy. I couldn't hear my voice anymore.

I'll try harder to change my mentality. But right now, I'm just a depressing soul.

Tracey Wong (:
P.S. Happy 18th Birthday to myself! :)